oneurwaitingfor

How the fuck can you take away the one thing that helps... But then again it doesn't. Lower and lower I sink into the mire of my own stupidity and selfishness. I'm slowly killing myself with my love of this mascochistic pleasure... Fuck this. Where is my promised 'more'? Where the fuck did it go? I HATE ALL OF THIS... Nothing is ok. My discombulated thoughts confuse even me. Fuck fuck fuck. I don't want to be you. Not even a little. The connection is gone and I thank God everyday for that release!!

I've been listening to every voice except the ones that matter.

It's funny how quick and is easy it is to come down from a 'high'.

Peak and Valleys. The story of my life in three words.

Split personality.

"We're at war"
"Why do we like to hurt so much?"

Well, I guess "that's what you get when you let your heart win".

He has a way with words, well, I want a way with life.

It's been exactly a week since I saw Chris Gutierrez speak, and I'm not quite sure how to blog on this. I want to record my thoughts and feelings on what he said, but I feel like there's so much going on in my mind about this.


When I met Chris, I felt like I had finally met someone who understood me and the feeling was overwhelming. Sure, some people understand what make me tick, but I just felt that Chris not only understood me, but understood the fact that I feel different.

That sounds odd. Let me explain. If you know me (even a little) you know certain things about me. You know certain things about how I view the world. But my insecurities, the fact that I feel like I never belong, anywhere, most of you can't get that about me. I'm not saying you never feel like you don't belong, everyone does. But there is something else that I can't put my finger on, that I can't express. Maybe it's my longing for something more, or maybe it's my acceptance and delight at feeling like an outsider contrasted with my almost equal loathing and hate of it.
Whatever it may be, I feel that Chris just got it.

Ah, that sounds so sappy.

Anyway, here are some of my highlights of the night:

(+) The fact that Bethany came with me to something that was not at all her scene.
(+) Successfully driving all the way to the city, without getting (too) lost and confused.
(+) Successfully pulling out of a parallel parking spot.
(+) Talking to Chris afterwards about our mutual confusion of the Spanish language, despite our heritages.
(+) Hugging Chris.
(+) Twice.
(+) The delicious tea at the Blue House
(+) This quote: "You never see Ock's and MCRmy running marathons."

Everyone always knows of a band that will "make it big". How many times have you heard, " My friend's friend is in a band… and they're awesome, blah, blah, blah... When my friend told me about her friend's band, I told her I'd give them a listen, half-expecting them to be awful (my friend is too nice, she would never say someone was untalented, even if they were), but I was pleasantly surprised. The songs on their myspace were really good. When she I invited me to their cd release show, I was a bit more skeptical. It's one thing to sound good recorded, but sounding good live is a completely different story.  I've been disappointed by so many bands that sound talented on their cd/myspace, and can't even replicate their sound onstage. This was not at all the case with Fairgreen.

By the time I went to their cd release show, I was fairly familiar with some of Fairgreen's songs and was hoping they could decently play 'Between You and Me' (my favorite song off their myspace). And let me tell you, I was blown away with this band's live performance. A lot of times, when you see a band live, a lot of instruments seem forgotten, almost like their songwriter only takes a couple of instruments into account. I noticed every single instrument at that show. Every member of that band has talent, and you can tell they are all able to bring something to the table come songwriting time. Their vocals were stronger than many bands I've seen, and their instrumentation was a lot tighter than many sets from signed bands I've had to endure. I was even able to enjoy the songs I had never heard before. I would have to say the highlight of my night, though, was their cover of UnderOath's 'Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Other's Escape'. If you can satisfactorily cover UnderOath, you're alright in my book.

After, the show, I bought their new cd, (it was a cd release show, after all), but it was not without hesitation. I can't tell you the amount of times I've bought a cd after an exciting live show, and was quite disappointed with the album, but I should not have doubted Fairgreen. I haven't been able to stop listening to this cd.. It's really well done, and I highly recommend it. (After hearing the first 45 seconds of the first song, I was hooked and knew I would love it.)

So, my suggestion to you is to go and see Fairgreen live and buy their cd. Or you could at least check out their myspace. Trust me, you won't be disappointed.

So many different emotions. It's insane.

I already find myself falling into old patterns and I need help.

Maybe this is dumb to type on facebook, but nevertheless I feel compelled to do so.

I miss the Clash! It was amazing to always be with Christians. The environment made it easy to follow Christ.Temptations were not so apparent. Unfortunately, I can't isolate myself like that (when I isolate myself, that's always a bad sign by the way). But what I mean is, I hate being "in the world, but not of the world". It gets confusing.

Please pray for me, because obviously this was not at all coherent (this may have something to do with the fact that I haven't been sleeping... ha ha ha).

I wouldn't give it up for anything.

Back to responsibility soon.

I feel like I've found out what's been wrong with me, but it's too late. I'm already over it.

Ijustwanttodosomething.

I love Starbucks Green Tea. It is my new obsession.

Which should I get for my birthday this or this or this?


"I hope I am a boomerang on its way back, not some stone sinking in the sea."

Most everyone I know is aware of my Fall Out Boy obsession, si?

Well, last night I finally saw them again. I enjoyed the Honda Civic Tour sooo much better than the Friends or Enemies tour.

Because I was blessed with early entry, I was in the pit at the beginning of the show. Well, I couldn't take it, people were getting nasty and I was wet (because it was raining, while I was in line, like, there was seriously rain in my shoes), so I went and saved seats. My friend had a hard time getting in because they were out of bracelets, but she convinced some old guy to give her his bracelet, because he probably didn't want to be any closer.

The girl behind me kept borrowing my pit bracelet (I had no desire to see Cobra Starship...),but I REALLY wanted to be in there for Fall Out Boy. When I checked out the pit, it looked too crowded (it's super small), and I didn't know if I wanted to go, but the girl behind me took me into the pit and looked out for me. I thought that was really sweet of her.

I was just amazed at God's grace at that concert. As I've been telling some of you, music tends to be an idol in my life, but despite my sinfulness in that, God was still kind. He allowed my parents the peace of mind to let me drive myself (on 95!), he let me win early entry, and he sent someone to help me out in the pit.

I was sooo close, it was amazing. I'm never able to put into words the "high" a concert gives me. I love Fall Out Boy, and they did some of my favorite songs (Carpal Tunnel blew my freaking mind, and when they did One and Only, I thought I was going to explode). Patrick is an amazing vocalist and musician, he had all these guitar solos right up front (major swoon). Joe is just plain crazy, it was awesome, he always gets the crowd going (at one point I was so close I could hear him telling everyone to sing louder!). Pete, was, well, he looks way better in person, let me say that, and he was very talkative last night (compared to last time)... it's his birthday today, by the way. And oh my gosh, Andy was insane! He had this drum solo, up front, it was incredible, seriously, he is the best musician out of all of them. I can't even describe how awesome it was.

Overall, this was one of the best concerts I've been to, and when Pete was talking about their next tour,(with Gym Class Heroes!) I was like, "I am sooo there"!

I am in love with a band that no longer exists. Oh, well.

I haven't posted a new real note in awhile. (You were probably relieved). I've just been posting song lyrics that I did not write. It's funny though, because sometimes I feel that I can't express what I am feeling, but these songs seem to do it perfectly. I really like it actually. I wish I could find many more songs and albums that I can personally relate to.

Isn't it amazing what music can do? How it can express how you're feeling? How it can give you something in common with people (like ock's)? How it defines generations? How it defines how we view people (you like that band? ew...).

Can you imagine what the world would be like if we lost this great gift? I would probably never sleep or drive or do homework. Movies would lose their luster; what would you say before someone blew out their candles?

I don't want to imagine that anymore...

Now, I'd like to ask you a question? Do you like to listen to bad music? I mean none of us will answer jump up and down and answer "yes", but do you ever want to listen to something despite the fact that you know it sucks? Do you ever listen to something because it sucks? Or do you ever feel yourself instinctively drawn to that one band that completely contradicts all your musical tastes?

I'm curious, because I know I listen to some bands despite the fact that I know they suck.

Thoughts?

Fear can drive stick and its taking me down this road
A road down which I swore I'd never go
And here I sit, thinking of God knows what
Afraid to admit I might self-destruct


There's more to living than being alive


My world is falling apart.
I was a fool, I never saw it coming.
My life is like a card house.
A delicate construction
With no regard for the wind...


I thought I had everything under control.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I thought I held my world in my hands.
Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream.

They hold it all together, as I stand back in envy
Is there a hurting heart behind that smile?
A world of hurting hearts?
A few broken generations?

"It's not safe, stay away from- follow me's are everywhere
In a world that lacks commitment you very quickly learn
to justify your actions, so<b> follow the truth</b>"

But it seems like they've got it <b>all </b>and all I have is <b>you</b>
They've got it all I have is you
Wait , how can I entertain these thoughts of life without you?
I'm losing my mind and with that the<b> love of my life</b>

I step out my door to a beautiful day and a world full of hate
But I still hold on to a hope for you and me
Yeah, I still I hold on to this foolish hope

Take it or leave it, it's only a matter of life or death
Take it or leave it, it's only a matter of life or death

I really do, I like it in here, I think a lot, and overanalyze.

Sooooo much friend trouble lately. I wish I was better at this. My sisters were telling me I need to "be myself", but I've forgotten who she is & when I try to be myself my mind goes blank out of nervousness, I just overthink it, I guess.

I like talking to strangers more than my "friends". I just feel so out of place with them. I feel too conservative for the world, and too liberal for the church. That whole I-can't-classify-myself thing.

Yeah, I know everyone goes through it, I just wish I was done.

Ok, this was way too emo-pity-party for me and I'm doing too much dashes-between-words things.. ha ha ha.

It's so hard to put it into words.

It's almost like hopelessness, but not quite.

You cause me so much sadness, so much stress, yet you give me so much hope.

Your words keep me going, yet bring me to tears.

I'm such a sap. Can you fix me?

thishastostoprightnow

I was really looking forward to Cities because I loved Never Take Friendship Personal so much, and I was not at all disappointed when it finally arrived. In fact, I was blown away.

The lyrical content of this cd was so relatable and compelling. You can tell there are interesting back stories to every single song, and you can't help find yourself reflected in some tracks.

The music in this cd is so much more mature than anything else Anberlin has released. Whereas before, Anberlin songs could be thrown into three categories: soft, poppy or heavy(ish), this time around the songs seem to be incorporated into each song evenly. There are no songs that can be classified as just heavy(ish) or  poppy (though some do lean that way). The tracks on this cd feel less categorized; they are definitely more relaxed. You can still hear "old Anberlin", but this is perfected.

Let me just say that I love the cover of this cd. I can almost see faces in the buildings of the cities. To me, it's such a metaphor for the fact that huge cities have individual people with personalities and problems. In the same way, this cd is beautiful as a whole, if you listen to it from start to finish, you can hear it's originality, but if you pay attention, you can hear the gem that each individual song is. Each track is a unique song, but they are sill connected in one beautifully compelling album, Cities.

I got the intense impression that someone, somewhere was reading my journals (on here, myspace, facebook, whatever) and actually thought about them.

Then again, I could be crazy, but that doesn't matter, because here, on FOE, no one knows me personally and I like it that way. None of my friends/acquaintances are cool enough to have one of these, so they'll never see what I've written (lmao....).

I think I can officially classify myself as strange. I don't think I think like other people do. Everyone has a unique viewpoint on life, I know that, but I just think the people around me- their viewpoint- is a lot different than mine. Then again, some of the things they notice, I would never see without their help. So basically, everyone is different, I just notice that I'm different more than I notice that other people are different. (gosh, I'm confusing)

So, I'm trying to work on this whole cursing thing, but fuck it's hard. (and I'm not that humorous, either)


People have been telling me they enjoy reading my facebook "notes" which makes me happy; I've been told I'm good at blogging, but what talent is that? (no offense to anyone or anything), blogs are good.

More to come on this issue: I'm not at all done thinking about this (tho I never feel done thinking about anything...)

How do they know exactly what I am feeling? Although we've never met, my very thoughts are laid bare in their songs.

I was trying to figure out why I love music so much, and I believe I finally saw it:

When I am in God's presence (like when I worship him), I can feel him all around me, and the sweetness of that moment is overwhelming.

Music mimics that. Very closely, but still lacking. I do feel the music all around me, but the sweetness isn't quite the same. At one point in my life, books substituted the music, and I could feel myself leaving my room to a different place. It still could not compare with God's love, but I pretended that it did.

Now, God wants me back. He's always wanted me to follow him forever, to trust him and surrender my life to his goodness, but I've always resisted. He is a jealous God. I belong to him and will always belong to him. I can not make him stop loving me, even I wanted to, and I should take comfort in that.

There does come a point when you can no longer run, when you are so exhausted that to continue means death. I have not yet reached that point. I could continue to run, but the monotony and the sorrow of it all is burdensome. I want to make a complete turn around and run into my Father's arms.

I can see God's faithfulness in my life; I can see him working and moving.

Romans 8:32, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

I must cling to truth.

There are so many people in the world and sometimes I feel lost in all of them.

When will I find my place? When will I accept that following Jesus is my place?

Oh, I do love Jesus, I'm just so fucking lazy...

So, I still feel kinda awkward on OCK for some reason, I think I'm just too nervous about anything and everything...

I seriously canNOT wait for the new Anberlin cd, I hope it's good.

ok, ok, I need to do my science project cause it's almost 1 o'clock

and if you read this, add me, cause I think I'm finally getting used to this and I do want to really use it <3

Revelations 3: 20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

So, basically, this is where I am...

I read Charles Spurgeon's An Earnest Warning Against Lukewarmness and it was so convicting. I realize how lukewarm I have become (I always say "apathetic", but it means the same thing). I fall in the middle, I don't desire God, but I don't hate Him. I can look back on a time in my life when I was on fire for him, but I have since fallen into lukewarmness. This apathy is accompanied by sorrow and nervousness, and I don't understand why I keep fighting him.

It says in the Bible (and I can't remember where), that we know how to give good gifts, and we are evil, so God can give even better gifts. There really is nothing to fear when it comes to drawing near to God, so I have no idea why I continue to do what I do...

Rev. 3:20 is taken from the passage that is the letter to the church at Laodicea; they were lukewarm and God said he would spue them out of his mouth. Completely gone. He also said that those who he loves he rebukes and disciplines. I don't want to be rebuked or disciplined... so why do I resist?

I do not rely on God when I try to seek him. I can't seek him without His help. I really can't do anything without his help, and he offers it, so why won't I accept it?

I wish I could make my self change instantly, but I know it will be a little at a time, but why don't I start?

Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis.

why life is the way it is...

I like that idea too, though.

Oh, stress, stress, stress, why must you bug me? Why must I bug myself? Why do I overanalyze everything? Sometimes I miss him so much, but I think I miss more the idea of him. Being lonely is never fun and I just think that I don't do enough to fix it in my life.

Oh, God, please help me know how to deal with all of this and make you number *one* in my life!!

blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oh, I feel so much better... (screaming helps)... I know there is more out there for me...

<3